I miss you, a thousand times. I wish I could call you one more time. I wish I could laugh all night with you. I have these dreams where you come back, as in you were never really gone. These dreams where you call me, or I show up at your house and you’re there. I guess thats heavens version of visiting hours.

There are times I pick up the phone and I do call you. Your phones been disconnected now. I haven’t gotten a random text message in over ten years. The days have gotten somewhat easier. There are also days that I want to lock myself away in a room and not come out until the next day.

I will never get over you. I will never forget what an impact you made in my life. I will never forget the support and love that you showed me. You will always be my missing puzzle piece. You will always be the missing piece of my soul. You don’t get all the credit though, because I know I was your person as well.

Some days are so easy to just miss you and be okay with that. Then, there are days like today. Days where I’m exhausted, days where I have a really bad headache. Days where I can’t stop thinking of you. Days where you send me signs. You’ve been all around me today. It’s been a while since I’ve felt your presence, or you’ve visited.

Today I had a dream, I had a dream that you had to go away and you came back. I hadn’t been a good friend and visited you. I was irritated, you hadn’t tried to reach out to me either. My heart longed for a conversation with you in my dream, as it does in real life. I picked my phone up and I texted you, I asked how you were? & I told you I missed you so much. You texted me back and told me you were still staying safe and that you loved me. You then sent me pictures, and man you were gorgeous. I was texting you back that I was gonna come see you soon but I never sent that text because I woke up.

I think this was you telling me you are okay. You hadn’t visited in years. The last dream of you, that I had was us being on a school bus, going to a shack looking place. You know, kind of like a gift shop at the zoo, possibly? I can’t tell you where it was but I can still see it in my head and I can still describe it to a T. The only problem was I wanted to go with you through those doors, to see what was on the other side of them. You stopped me and told me this is where our journey ended, you had to go. You had to go but I had to stay and return to the school bus. I never had a dream that you were in til a few months ago when I had the dream mentioned above.. I never thought I’d have another dream of you in it.

It’s been 7 or possibly even 8 years since I had the dream of us on the school bus. I know it’s been this long because granny asked me a very specific question when I told her about the dream. Her question? Did you have feet. I looked at her strangely, and I said no. Actually, she didn’t have feet. Granny looked at me and said that’s because angels don’t.

I took that as a sign- I got to walk you to the crossover point. That was you telling me that you were okay. That you had made it. The more recent dream, I take as you are still watching over me and that I’m going to be okay.

The thing about grief is sometimes , I wonder why the sun shines, why people are allowed to go about their day and be happy. Especially when I am stuck here feeling numb.

If I could go back and tell 16 year old me anything it’d be to make time. Make time to spend just a little bit longer with your friends, make plans and don’t let anxiety force you to break those plans. Take all the pictures. Always, always, always, answer the phone.

I have August 4, 2012, tattooed on my right arm, to remind me of the day that my life changed forever at such a young age. I have it on my right side because Emilee was my right hand girl. I have her death date tattooed on me to remind me to take the chance. To remind me to always strive to be a better person. To remind me to speak my truth, & say what’s on my mind.

When I lost Emilee, my world crashed. There were days I’d just stare at the window. There were days I would just stare at my phone waiting for her to text or call. The problem is, when I lost Emilee, I never took the time to truly grieve. I never took the time for myself to process really losing her. I kept pushing forward, I held myself together for others. I remember screaming when I realized she was gone and in that moment nobody could help me. I haven’t been to her grave in a year or two because I know she’s not there anymore. That’s just a place that her body is at, I know she’s with me when I feel that first fall or spring breeze, when I see a lime green butterfly, when the clouds look absolutely perfect.

I had so many failed friendships after Emilee died because I searched for her through a lot of people. When I realized they could never compare, I’d drop them.

Emilee was the type of friend that you could call at 3 am and she’d stay on the phone and let you vent until 8 am the following morning. She was the friend that if you decided you didn’t feel comfortable in your shirt you were wearing that day she would literally trade shirts with you. Emilee was the type of girl who would color coordinate outfits with you for months, I know this because we did it. Probably an entire school year.

Emilee was the person, you could call when your world was crashing down and she’d make it better. She’d make your business- her business.

I wish more than anything she were here to raise babies together, to go have a glass of wine, to call when I have someone I just need to tell everything to.

I remember writing this post almost a year ago. Laying in my bathtub. I was crying because I missed you so much. I was angry with God. I think you’d be so proud of me within these last six months. I’ll see you again, someday. I can’t wait to catch up one day. I think I’ll always ask God why. I know one day I’ll get those answers.