Two and a half years ago- I woke up with one of the worst hang overs I had ever had. I looked in the mirror and told myself what my parents had been preaching to me for a very long time. SOMETHING HAS GOT TO CHANGE.

God had spoke to me to start this blog. I thought it was just a crazy idea. I’ve let it sit here. Tonight, God spoke to me and told me to write about it and to speak forgiveness.

This might get kind of lengthy, so bear with me..

Let’s start off with- something random. I suffer from a vitamin D deficiency. If you don’t know what that is, vitamin D has a ton to do with your mental health. So in simpler terms, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to act a little cray cray sometimes. I also have adhd, so if you know, ya know.

As I mentioned earlier, God spoke to me to start this blog. I didn’t know where it would go, I just know he told me to write. I immediately started researching how to start a blog, and all of those things. At first I just thought I was manic and had some new crazy idea. I started writing and then I let it sit here.

These past few days – I’ve had the urge to write in it. I’ve ignored that feeling, because what was I going to write about!? Tonight, my mom called and woke me up telling me to pray for my aunt who had not one but three heart attacks, and drove herself to the hospital (let’s all give her a clap for being such a super hero for that one). I got to pondering thoughts in my head and I’ve laid here and tossed and turned. I was going to open my Bible and read, but God said no, go to that blog and talk about it. Talk about the blog and talk forgiveness.

I used to drink & I drank A LOT. It’s no secret & it isn’t a skeleton in the closet. I’m very open about it. I want you to take my mistakes and learn from them.

I’ve been the big in church Christian, I’ve been the read the Bible at home and sometimes the fall back asleep while I watch church on Facebook live. I’ve also ran from God.

If you have witnessed my life within these past few months, you’d say it’s been a huge change. You see, we hadn’t been to church in months. The church we attend is about 45 minutes away from the house and sometimes we just get lazy and don’t want to drive. That’s just a lame excuse, I’m sorry, but it is.

Easter Sunday- we attended church. This will always be a significant memory for me because I’m just gonna come out and say it. I don’t like crying in front of people. & I try to be a private person, sometimes. This particular Sunday my heart was heavy. I couldn’t shake it. It was cold that morning and just a weird vibe, kind of like nothing was going right. We missed the first service so we decided to get breakfast and go to the second one.

We walked in to church, and when we got there I grabbed a bottle of water. I’m not trying to sound fancy or nothing but our church has a pastry stand and I hadn’t ever seen one those in a church so you know, I was feeling a little boujie. But, I immediately noticed a paper to sign up to get baptized. I had been wanting to get baptized for a while but knew I wasn’t living right so I just kind of brushed it off. Anyways, the first service let’s out and we go attend the second one (thank the lord for the second one because we wouldn’t have fit in the first one). So, you know when the Holy Spirit touches you and you can’t do anything but cry. Yeah at the end of the service you would have thought Nick pinched the back of my arm and stomped my toe the way I was boohooing. The feeling of the Holy Spirit whew, honey. I was so choked up, Nick looked at me one time and asked me if I was okay, all I could do was just shake my head no. When the service let out, I immediately ran to that baptism paper and signed up.

The following weekend, I confessed my love for Jesus Christ and was washed in the blood. When you come out of that water, it’s like a complete breath of fresh air.

It’s taken me a long time to get where I am. I’ve fought my demons and I’ve been so angry with God. I’m giggling because you know when you get irritated in the car with your significant other and you shift your body towards the window, with your knees and your arms crossed and a mad look on your face? That was Me and God. 😂

I’ve been angry with God since I was 16 years old. I didn’t know how to forgive correctly. There’s been so many things go wrong in life that I just wondered why he would put me through those things. *testimony*

When I was 16, I lost my best friend. When I was 20, my grandmother passed away. When I was 21 I left a relationship with the father of my child who I swore I was going to marry. When I was 21, my cousin passed away unexpectedly. When I was 24, my little cousin was killed in a car wreck. I can go on and on about all of these things. They are reasons, I was angry with God.

I’m so thankful that we have such a forgiving God. I’m so glad he’s not the kind that says I’m not going to put you back together again, even when you’ve turned your back or gotten angry with me. I’m so glad he never says you can’t come back home. If that were the case, I’d probably be so far in hell, I’d have the throne.

Nick and I got married in December of 2019 in the church his grandparents got married, his aunt and uncle got married, & his parents got married. Except, we never filed the paperwork. We didn’t “legally” get married until this January. I’ve been wanting a baby since we got married. We just haven’t been able to conceive. Another reason I was angry with God, why couldn’t I give my child a sibling?

I knew I needed to make a doctors appointment but I was honestly so scared. I finally made a doctors appointment and we just recently found out I have PCOS. I have been praying endlessly for a baby boy. A few Sundays ago, in church nick and I decided a baby name for our unborn child. This past Sunday, the preacher mentioned Sarah and Abraham. That was my sign, we will get pregnant soon and be blessed with a son.

I’ve learned lately, you have to obey god and his plans for your life. I’ve learned he will wreck your plans to put you together in such a way you laugh at the plans you thought you had.

I’m so thankful and blessed that God had a plan for my life, that he’s shown me how blessed he can make me. I’m so thankful that he loved us so much, he died for our sins. I’m so thankful to be reborn again.